Mark asks…
NEED OPINIONS AND TIPS!?
“Wanna go for a run?” Ben asked, rolling back and forth on the balls of his feet. I smiled, “I’ll race you, to the beach?” I asked, getting in a ready position. He smiled his signature smile, the crooked one. He got in his position, “Ready, set, Go!” he said, and we took off. We ran through the redwoods, and toward the beach, I could almost hear the waves crashing ashore. I glanced over to him seeing if he was winning, and he wasn’t! He was fast though, Was he letting me win? I laughed as we reached the beach. “I won!” I stifled another laugh and smiled widely. I sat down trying to catch my breath. “It was a tie.” he said, breathing hard. “Sure, it was. Want to go swimming?” I asked. He nodded, and took off his shirt. Did it just get hotter? I bit my bottom lip whiled staring at his chest. His biceps and abs were really nice. I giggled unintentionally, and quickly looked away, then took off my shoes, tee shirt, and just had a tank top and shorts. I looked back to him, he was staring at me, with a small smile on his face. I took a deep breath, and we started toward the water. When we got deep enough, I went under water, it was crystal clear, although the salt water irritated my eyes a bit. It was so refreshing, the water was ice cold, but with the sun beating down on me, it didn’t matter. Schools of fish swam around us, its kind of like they were bringing us together, I swam up to the top for a breath, and so did he. I nearly flew out of the water, gasping for air, I didn’t realize how long I’d been under there. Wow, he was close. Our bodies were nearly touching, I feel like we’re in one of those stupid romance movies. I glanced down, and our bodies were touching. jeez. I think my body went numb, whats happening? I don’t like him… do I? I made a brief Hm sound. “What’s that scar from, if you don’t mind my asking?” I asked. He pressed his lips together in a line, “A fight.” he said, quietly. “Why?” he bit his lip, “Well, this guy was screwing around with my sister, trying to get her to, um, yeah, you know, and she didn’t want to. It turned into a ugly situation, and I had to get involved, she felt scared, so I tried to scare him off. Apparently he saw me coming and hit me right there, but he didn’t mess with her anymore.” he ended his story with a soft sigh. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to,” I trailed off, when he started shaking his head slowly. I felt something brush against my leg, it felt slimy, my arms flew around Ben’s neck. “I think somethings under us.” I whispered weakly. He chuckled, and stopped when I glared at him. “Its probably nothing, don’t worry about it.” he smiled. Our bodies were pressed together, and faces just one inch apart. I gazed into his eyes, and I felt like kissing him, Don’t do it! He’s you’re best friend, like a brother. A tiny voice said to me. I slowly began to move closer to his lips. Softly I placed my lips on his, a sensation of butterflies went through my body. The om my heart began to pick up, the blood rushing through my veins, pumping my heart very fast. My hands went to his neck, pulling him closer. He started moving his lips to the steady beat of his heart. How could he be so calm? Ah! This is crazy. I shouldn’t be kissing my best friend. I stopped abruptly, he looked at me with those crystal like blue eyes, he took my breath away. Why deny it? I love him. I think. I let go of him and swam back to shore, slipped my sandals, and walked back home. “Claire? Did I do something wrong?” he asked, right behind me. I stopped and turned to him, “No, it wasn’t you, I mean you did everything, perfect. Its just, ah, I can’t do this.” I couldn’t find the correct words to explain what I was feeling. I walked back to my house, and sat on the front porch.
What do you think? Just a rough draft.
It’s the Beginning of my book. Want advice and tips, and Opinions!!
Joy answers:
At first, I thought they just met because she didn’t know about his scar or if he was letting her win the foot race. Maybe she asks him to tell her the story about the scar again, and maybe each time the story gets a little bigger, or he makes up something entirely, or maybe, interestingly, the story gets a little smaller.
***
I reached out and ran my finger over the scar on his right shoulder. “Now, how’d you get Wally again?” I pleaded. Of course, we’d named the scar.
“Four pirates and a ninja. That’s all I can say about it.”
Each time, the story was different, despite the fact that I was there when it happened. Betty and I were at a party. Some jerk was getting physical with us in a most unwelcome way. So, Ben stepped in, and Wally was born.
***
Using their past helps demonstrate familiarity between the characters.
Without any explanation as to why she doesn’t want to date her best friend, it seems a bit cliche. I hope you have a good reason. It’s easier to make a lover out of a best friend than a best friend out of a lover.
Watch out for distractions. For example, the bit about the salt water stinging her eyes seems out of place.
How do you almost hear something?
It seems like running through the woods and swimming together should probably be familiar to the characters. What makes this day different? Why did she kiss him today but not yesterday?
This is a great start. Focus on the fact that every character has a past, complete with memories and baggage, and a certain view of the world. This will help you add depth to the story.
Keep going!
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